I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
