I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize