I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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