4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
