My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
