I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
