I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
