I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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