How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
