when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
