i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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