all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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