When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
