he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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