what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
