I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
