I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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