JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
