Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
