dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
