do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
