i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
