Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
