Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
