so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
