I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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