Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize