All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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