Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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