take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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