the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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