Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
