Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
