So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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