I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
