ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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