he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
