i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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