i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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