Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
