it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
