youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
