haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
