I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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