I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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