you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
