Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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