i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
