so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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