alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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