I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
