Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
