The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
