i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
