i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
