I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
