**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
