I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
