Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
