Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
