I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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