I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
