Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
