I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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