i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
