So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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