and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
